The Way it Started
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty
years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
A Hippie, A Nun, and a Bus Driver
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you."
The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you."
The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says.
The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun.
After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! "
The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"
Sunday, February 17, 2008
Amazingly Simple Home Remedies
1. If you're choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with ladies about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with ladies about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you'll be afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
The Pastor's Ass
The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ASS and you'll be a lot happier and live longer.
The local paper read:
PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.The next day, the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.The next day the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.The next day the headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The bishop was buried the next day.
The moral of the story is....being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery...and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life... Stop worrying about everyone else's ASS and you'll be a lot happier and live longer.
Monday, February 11, 2008
Great Weight Loss Program
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10-lb weight loss program.The next day, there's a knock on the door, and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss Company.The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs as promised.He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20-pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50-pound program.'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.''
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it, he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss Company.The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her.A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs as promised.He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20-pound program.
The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.
This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck.So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs as promised.
He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50-pound program.'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.''
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it, he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
Laughter Quotes
We cannot really love anybody with whom we never laugh.--Agnes Repplier
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.--Mark Twain
The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.--Bill Nye
Laughter is by definition healthy.--Doris Lessing
Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can.--Elsa Maxwell
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.--Edgar Watson Howe
Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.--Bob Newhart
You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.--Jay Leno
If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.--Jimmy Buffett
I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized music in the world.--Peter Ustinov
Man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter.--Joseph Addison
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.--Larry Gelbart
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.--Lord Byron
He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh.--Koran
In this life he laughs longest who laughs last.--John Masefield
He who laughs, lasts!--Mary Pettibone Poole
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.--Michael Pritchard
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.--Victor Borge
Laughter is inner jogging.--Norman Cousins
You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.--Stephen King
Beware of too much laughter, for it deadens the mind and produces oblivion.--The Talmud
Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.--W. H. Auden
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.--e e cummings
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.--Mark Twain
The more you find out about the world, the more opportunities there are to laugh at it.--Bill Nye
Laughter is by definition healthy.--Doris Lessing
Laugh at yourself first, before anyone else can.--Elsa Maxwell
If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.--Edgar Watson Howe
Laughter gives us distance. It allows us to step back from an event, deal with it and then move on.--Bob Newhart
You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh - it's as simple as that.--Jay Leno
If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.--Jimmy Buffett
I was irrevocably betrothed to laughter, the sound of which has always seemed to me to be the most civilized music in the world.--Peter Ustinov
Man is distinguished from all other creatures by the faculty of laughter.--Joseph Addison
One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.--Larry Gelbart
Always laugh when you can. It is cheap medicine.--Lord Byron
He deserves Paradise who makes his companions laugh.--Koran
In this life he laughs longest who laughs last.--John Masefield
He who laughs, lasts!--Mary Pettibone Poole
You don't stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.--Michael Pritchard
Laughter is the closest distance between two people.--Victor Borge
Laughter is inner jogging.--Norman Cousins
You can't deny laughter; when it comes, it plops down in your favorite chair and stays as long as it wants.--Stephen King
Beware of too much laughter, for it deadens the mind and produces oblivion.--The Talmud
Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh.--W. H. Auden
The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.--e e cummings
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